There is nothing inherently bad about being introverted. In fact, introverts possess desirable qualities like being more introspective, intelligent, refined and self-aware than the extrovert. However, the problem is that if one desires to increase personal power in the important dimensions of social or collective identity, introverted "behaviors" can be a liability. Introverts may tell you they are happy with themselves; but intuitively, it seems doubtful that introverts get what they want in the social world. In empowerment theory, collective identity is one of six critical components of personal power.My experience suggests that introverts, while rich in some compartments of their lives, often have serious regrets and yearnings for more in the world of relationships as well as for a richer ability to assert themselves in a variety of different situations. What this translates into - for many of these individuals - is a sense of powerlessness,, at least in the realm of social identity. But here is some positive news: you can actually learn to act extroverted, thereby enhancing your participation in a more expanded social world, while at the same time, retaining the god-given aspects of introversion that you likely can't change anyway. This seems to be the best of both worlds. Just so we're on the same page, let's look at whom we are typically describing when we use the label "introvert". Maybe most striking is that this person needs hours alone every day and generally loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas. They can give an informative presentation to a big audience, but seem awkward in groups and are clueless with small talk. They often must be dragged to parties and then need the rest of the day to recuperate. They will sometimes respond in inappropriate ways to those who try to engage them casually. Introverts are not necessarily shy; shy people may exhibit a true social phobia and are quite anxious in interpersonal and group settings. Not so with introverts; they may actually like people but find them tiring in intense or extended doses. Extroverts love the company of others, not so much out of love of them but as a mirror for their own thoughts and ideas, which seem somehow empty when they are alone. They often seem bored by themselves and may even be somewhat depressed by the experience. However an extrovert won't typically endure being alone very long; they tend to seek out more human contact rather quickly. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," introverts need to turn off and recharge. For introverts, to be alone with their thoughts is a necessary restorative, like sleeping and eating. Why is this important to us? If introversion is our natural way, why upset the applecart? There are several reasons; first, with their tendency toward talk and attention, extroverts dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations of desirable behavior. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and positive, a standard of happiness, confidence and leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic and. "people persons", all widely considered compliments. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private", even "arrogant" words less than complimentary. But these are misperceptions as well of course, though your public persona suffers from it. The lack of small talk by introverts can often be mistaken for disdain, when in fact its simply avoidance. These features sometimes make introverts social pariahs and can impede their acquisition of personal power. It is desirable to be aware of these common misperceptions and do what we can to remedy them. So, you may ask, is it inauthentic or phony to want to act more introverted? Maybe, but I prefer look at it differently. Learning these behaviors is just another set of skills we may need to acquire in an effort to become empowered. It is actually a rather value-neutral choice, like say, learning a new computer application. Don't use the "phoniness" argument as an excuse not to move out of your comfort zone and mix it up socially. The terms "introvert" and "extrovert" hail from the world of psychobabble and the formulations of personality developed by Carl Jung. They have found their way into the linguistic mainstream as monikers used to typify and label individuals. I'm sure you've heard them around, and if you fit these classic types, have had the labels directed at you on occasion. "Extrovert" is valued, "introvert" tends not to be. Not to despair, this doesn't mean introverts can't reap the fruits of power that extroverts seem to have cornered the market on. Much of what extroverts do is mindless babble as they explore the world through social intercourse and discourse. Introverts explore their world through self-reflection and spending time exploring their inner world. However, what extroverts also do is make contacts and forge relationships that help them meet their goals as well, although this isn't always their objective. Sometimes they talk just to hear their own head rattle. But their style tends to put them at the cutting edge of change, power and prosperity and these are the elements of interest to those of us feeling some lack in these areas. However, even if you are primarily introverted, you can focus your social agenda on those aspects of "extroversion" that you find useful, meaningful and empowering. In fact, failure to do this may mean missing out on the benefits of the social identity necessary to participate fully in the world as an empowered individual. Unfortunately, introverts seem to shy away from just this sort of encounter, for a variety of reasons. One, it doesnt seem compelling and important and doesnt hold their interest for long; secondly, they feel devoid of the skills to do this; and three, they may think "what's the point"? These are legitimate concerns; however, they will likely be addressed if one commits to undergo the transformation into an "introverted extrovert". The following guidelines may help you move a bit closer to a sense of social identity founded on an "extrovert" style: 1) Introverted people may find they have difficulty retrieving words under pressure so have some opening lines ready for any social encounter. The old "at a loss for words" seems to be one of the most crippling social aspects for introverted types, hence, you should have a ready script for most social situations. None of this "nice weather" crap either. Something that draws the other out and can draw you in is much preferable; try, what are you hoping to learn at this conference, or how will this help you in your professional life? If at a social gathering, you can use any number of engaging intros: "I haven't seen you around before, are you from out of town?', "tell me how you met our host". You get the idea, make up your own as you go and try them on. Youll be amazed how little it takes to engage someone in a conversation that can be both interesting and enjoyable. Once you feel engaged, turn the conversation toward those topics and subjects of interest to you. This is how social intercourse begins. A key aspect of collective identity is finding common ground within groups and associations that will then assume increasing importance and value in your life. 2) Work on your social engagement skills: handshakes, eye contact, posture and expressions. This may sound trite, but these are the skills that define who we are and are usually critical in impression formation on the part of those we meet. These elements may seem to come naturally to the extrovert but introverts have to develop and polish them somewhat since their natural tendency is to shun the "close encounter". You can benefit greatly by practicing these skills with someone you trust or a coach or trainer that specializes in helping people refine the social amenities. 3) While its fine to go to a social event for no reason, introverts typically need some motivation for this type of thing - so pick events that have meaning or a "payoff" for you. If you want to become a better writer, go to a writer's group, if you are having a painful breakup; find some groups of singles with some shared interests. I'm not suggesting going to the bar scene or mindless activity just to hang out. There wouldn't be much of value or enjoyment there for the introvert. Put yourself in a collective or group experience that you will feel benefited, regardless of the social dynamics at play. These efforts will be difficult at first so you may want to enlist the help of your trusted friend or coach again to provide some companionship, support and accountability as you get started. 4) Give yourself plenty of time to prepare for a social event and lots of time to "recover" afterwards. It would be too far our of your comfort zone, and entirely unnecessary, to be "on" all the time. Small doses of social experiences are plenty for the introvert and you will generally accomplish in a short time what extroverts take much longer to do since they actually thrive on the contact. To get yourself "in the mood" beforehand, it can helpful to listen to or watch comedy videos and get in a more humorous relaxed space before you go out. Remember, the goal here is to find value and overall life satisfaction from your new social identity, so approach it with a receptive attitude and it will work for you much better. While you'll probably never become an extrovert, you can participate more broadly on the social front, make contacts that allow you to pursue new opportunities and even derive satisfaction and pleasure from your expanded social roles. Unfortunately, you will still need to be dragged to some of these social outings to get started. Hopefully, in time you'll learn to drag yourself - you'll be better for it and may actually find you enjoy your life more. |
