9:35 AM: "Market Rallies On Open on Strong Belwether CSCO Earnings"

11:00AM: "Stocks Lower After Investors Realize CSCO Hasn't Been A Bellwether in 3 Years"

12:15 PM: "Stocks Fall Even Lower As Dingbat Flies Private Plane Near White House"

12:35 PM: "Stocks Stabilize As Market Realizes This is Just One of the 496 False Rumors that is Exclusively Reported on Financial Presses - See "Suspicious Package" Headlines From the Last 9 Months.

12:45 PM: "Bin Laden Captured AGAIN.But Sources Say There Was A Hole In the Net, AGAIN"

1:05 PM: "That Zarqawi Guy Captured Too, Or At Least Someone That Looks Like Him."

1:25 PM: "Crude Oil Falls, Wall Street Cheers, "Time To Take Some ROADTRIPS!"

1:30 PM: "Stocks On A Tear with great CSCO Earnings and Cheap Oil In Mind"

1:45:PM "CORRECTION: Stocks Down on the Day As CSCO Earnings Disappoint and Crude Oil Ticks Back Up 45 Cents"

1:50 PM: "CORRECTION - Strike 1:45 PM Headline from the record and please refer to 1:30 PM Comment"

2:05 PM: "Bush To Sign $432 Billion War Spending Bill as Treasure Chest of Mystery Money Appears on Capitol Hill"

2:25 PM: "FOLLOW-UP: Private Plane From Earlier Said To Have Delivered Treasure Chest To D.C. Coffers"

2:26:PM: "Market Spikes Higher As Investors Impressed With The Vigilance Of U.S. Homeland Security Efforts Earlier."

2:30 PM: "It's 2:30 Everyone."

2:45 PM: "re: The Bush War Spending Plan: "Sources Say That the Homeless Must Be F****@@d Now."

3:00:PM "Pakistan Says They Have Isolated Bin Laden to a 5 Mile area in Southeastern Pakistan. Story First Reported 3 Years Ago. They believe in a slow and steady process."

3:25:PM: "Traders Conclude Daily Dart Throw Session To Prepare For End Of the Day Buy Programs"

4:00 PM: "Market Closes Lower on Lukewarm Reaction to CSCO earnings and Fears About Crude Oil, Private Planes, and If the Spurs Will Beat The Sonics Again Tonight"